Saturday, April 9, 2011


Many of you believe that I currently inhabit the country of South Africa. You are wrong. Recently, it seems as though I've moved to a new place, the glorious land of terrifying arachnids. That is to say, a band of button spiders have moved in and made my home their own. In honor of their arrival I renamed my space Arachnahomia. See how I did that?

During the summer months I noticed an increase in spider webs throughout my hovel. Whereas I once had none, I started knocking them down every week. Because I never actually saw a spider, I assumed I was just being visited by a particularly industrious few who might have made their home inside the cracks in the walls. I didn't worry about it too much.

A few weeks ago I finally saw a spider. It was in my closet. I grabbed a shoe and that was that. I expected a sharp decrease in spider webs, but that didn't happen. In fact, suddenly, spiders were everywhere! And not the cute kind, these are black with ominous red markings. I looked them up in my handy-dandy guidebook and they turned out to be button spiders. Button spiders may be a cute name, but they possess a dangerous neurotoxic venom and propensity to bite that is decidedly inconsistent.

Even worse than the big momma spiders are the egg sacs. Yes, spiders are laying eggs sacs in my room! They look fluffy and soft, like tiny clouds, from a distance, but they're oddly crunchy to the touch. Baby spider bones? Anyway, these spiders are terribly creative in their selection of web and egg sac locations. I found today's batch in the folds of a curtain. Three egg sacs and a spider in the folds of a curtain! What an unfortunate surprise.

Hopefully the spiders will fade away as the weather cools, but until then I'm never going on vacation. These spiders are taking advantage of my every absence to stage a take over. On the bright side, they've eaten every other insect that used to creep inside. Nevertheless, residents of Arachnahomia, prepare to die!

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